For most people, friendship is a fact of life. It is assumed to be so absolute, in fact, that we do not even think about it. We spend time with someone, enjoy that person, and without much thought, we categorize them as a “friend”. All around us, friendship is sure as water is wet. Except it isn’t. For aplatonic people (or apl for short), the desire to form or maintain platonic bonds is absent. It is a social orientation. Contrary to popular belief, aplatonics are not miserable or lonely; they often find satisfaction in other kinds of relationships, or their own company. I’ll admit that I, someone who is alloplatonic, did not understand at first. Like many, I mistakenly believed platonic bonds were simply a given. To write this article, I set aside my own frameworks and asked aplatonic folks to explain their world in their own words. I got the privilege to interview two individuals, Taxi (he/they) and Romeo (he/it), who were kind enough to let me in on their personal experiences. Romeo described aplatonicism in a similar vein as asexuality and aromanticism, only for platonic relationships. He explained to me that for those unfamiliar with those, he usually describes it as being an “extreme introvert.” “Aplatonicism has always been difficult for me to explain to people outside the community,” it said. “Since it tends to feel like a ‘teaching a fish what basketball is’ type of situation.” Taxi explained to me that he is demiplatonic. “Like demisexual or demiromantic but for platonic relationships,” he clarified. Taxi also told me about how physically being around others is draining. “I also get really uncomfortable when people assume we’re friends because we’ve had a conversation online or because I’ve added them on Discord. I don’t go out of my way to make friends,” they stated. When I asked about other kinds of relationships, both interviewees informed me that they had a partner — Romeo a wife and Taxi a husband. “I have my husband who I love as much as I can,” stated Taxi. “That’s probably the relationship I value the most.” Both also gave alike answers when asked what misconceptions they would like to clear up about aplatonicism. “That we’re all unfeeling monsters is the overall one. In my journey of self discovery, people have reacted quite hostile towards a rejection of friendship,” Romeo told me. “They see a rejection of a new community member as a personal attack, an attack on THEIR community, and all the people within it…People are not monsters for telling someone ‘no’ even if what they’re rejecting is friendship.” Similarly, Taxi stated, “People tend to think that aplatonic people are hateful. A lot of us really aren’t. I feel like it only really comes off that way because to those who want to be our friend, being rejected sucks.” He also explained that they had seen many people believe aplatonicism equals loneliness. “Alone doesn’t equal lonely and friendly doesn’t equal friends.” On navigating the world, Romeo described it as “incredibly frustrating,” explaining their lifelong desire to be seen as “normal” despite their aplatonicism. “I was the kid who begged teachers to do group projects alone, who would rather read indoors than be tossed outside with even less to do. I have only ever made friends out of necessity and I hate how much those relationships suffered due to my nonexistent tolerance for prolonged socializing.” Unlike Romeo, Taxi expressed to me that it was easy for him to avoid friendships in real life. “But when it comes to online,” they continued. “I tend to state on blogs and such that me being friendly does not equal being friends.” Finally, I asked, for anyone reading this article who may recognize themselves in your words, what advice or reassurance would you offer? “My biggest piece of advice is that you’re allowed to say no,” Romeo said. “If you spend your whole life trying to prevent people from misunderstanding you, when they never even understood you in the first place, you’re playing a losing game. It’s okay to have boundaries. It’s okay to tell that person to give you space. It’s okay to say no to ANYONE for ANYTHING. For some people this is a part of them that hurts, whether through loneliness, repression, or shame, but when you turn to accept it, it becomes a lot gentler…It can genuinely be freeing to just… enjoy life by yourself. I feel like a lot of people need to learn how to do that, honestly.” “You’re not evil or a bad person for not wanting friends,” Taxi stated. “You’re not a loser for not having platonic relationships. That’s all I can really say.” My conversations with Romeo and Taxi shifted the perspective from definitions to real experiences. The throughline is clear: we have mistaken a common human experience for a universal one. Aplatonic people aren’t opting out of connection, but navigating it with a different internal compass. We live in a culture that confuses the capacity for friendship with the obligation to pursue it. Understanding aplatonicism is then an invitation to expand our imagination for what a meaningful social life can look like — for everyone.
